I hate you.

If I could tear you from my heart, I think I’d do so. If I could convince myself you didn’t care for me, I’d do it. If I could believe you weren’t meant for me, I’d believe it. But I can’t. I fucking can’t. No matter how hard I try to love him and only him your memory won’t allow it.
I have these moments where I feel happy and everything feels as if it’s the way it should be but those moments are short lived because then I think of you and I long for that missing piece of my heart. I tell myself this is the smart choice. But love isn’t always smart and the heart wants what the heart wants. 

No matter how hard I try, your memory is never far enough from my mind for me to relax. I keep asking myself if just falling back into this life is the right choice. I’m back with him and you won’t talk to me because of it. I’m back with him and everyone feels things are back to normal but things aren’t fucking normal. Things still aren’t right. What if he asks me to marry him? For the first time in our relationship, I’m not sure what my answer would be and it’s all because of you. 

Ten fucking years I’ve had you in my head and still I cannot remove you. You’ve got such a tight grip on my heart that sometimes I can’t breathe without you. I hate you for that. I hate you for making me love you without even trying. I hate you for not loving me the way I deserve. I hate you. And I love you. I love you for the way you make me feel, for the easy way you smile and the way you say my name. 

Your silence should make this easier for me. It doesn’t. His love should make it easier for me. It doesn’t. It can’t. I should be happy I’ve found a boy who will love me enough to show it when you never would but I’ll be god damned if that’s enough to make me happy. 

When will I see you again? Why do I care? When was the last time you thought of me? I think about you every day. I hate myself for that. If only I could forget.