Cerita Patah Hati.

Cinta letaknya di hati. Meskipun tersembunyi, namun getarannya tampak sekali. Ia mampu mempengaruhi pikiran sekaligus mengendalikan tindakan.

Sungguh, Cinta dapat mengubah pahit menjadi manis, debu beralih emas, keruh menjadi bening, sakit menjadi sembuh, penjara menjadi telaga, derita menjadi nikmat, dan…… kemarahan menjadi rahmat.

Cintalah yang mampu melunakkan besi, menghancurkan batu karang, membangkitkan yang mati dan meniupkan kehidupan padanya serta membuat budak menjadi pemimpin. Inilah dahsyatnya cinta..

Tapi mengapa cinta itu sungguh menyakitkan dan dapat melukai hati ?!
Mengapa cinta begitu jahat pada diri ?!

Cinta hanya menyuguhkan kebahagian, keindahan, kemanisan, ketentraman diawal kehidupan dan suatu hubungan..

Tapi kenapa cinta meninggalkan kehancuran, kesedihan, kepahitan, keburukan di akhir kehidupan dan dalam suatu hubungan?

my personal

Do you know that feeling? The feeling that you get when you love someone? Genuinely love that someone?

The one where you’re happy as long as their happy? Even if their happiness means that you’re not by their side?

The feeling you get when you know you love them and you can’t change that no matter so you accept things as they are? The kind where, even though you know that things won’t work out the way you want it to, you still hope?

The one that when just hearing a voice that sounds like him gives you the chills?

That same feeling that makes you so nervous when you see a glimpse of them and you know that there will be a conversation that would make your heart drop?

The feeling you get when all you want to do is say ‘I LOVE YOU’ really loudd,

hoping that they’d actually hear it and take it to heart? The feeling where,no matter who you’re with,

you can’t get them out of the back of your thoughts? - you’re like in a movie with a great guy who is really into you,yet you’re wishing ‘i wish you were him’…

That feeling that you get when you hope that every where you go,you would see them?

Just for a minute? To hear their voice? Feel the warmth of their body? Look into their eyes? The feeling of ‘love’ where you prefer silence than speaking,

if thats the only way you wont argue?

Can you remember how much your heart was pounding through your chest when he was sitting next to you or holding your hands?

I remember, and though he may not love me.. - i love him .. with every beat of my heart.

no regret

I’m not sorry that I met you. I’m not sorry that knowing you has made me question EVERYTHING, that in death you’re the one that made me feel most alive. You’ve been a terrible person. You made all the wrong choices and of all the choices that I’ve made this will prove to be the worst one but I AM NOT SORRY THAT I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU. I love you, dilla.

I hate you.

If I could tear you from my heart, I think I’d do so. If I could convince myself you didn’t care for me, I’d do it. If I could believe you weren’t meant for me, I’d believe it. But I can’t. I fucking can’t. No matter how hard I try to love him and only him your memory won’t allow it.
I have these moments where I feel happy and everything feels as if it’s the way it should be but those moments are short lived because then I think of you and I long for that missing piece of my heart. I tell myself this is the smart choice. But love isn’t always smart and the heart wants what the heart wants. 

No matter how hard I try, your memory is never far enough from my mind for me to relax. I keep asking myself if just falling back into this life is the right choice. I’m back with him and you won’t talk to me because of it. I’m back with him and everyone feels things are back to normal but things aren’t fucking normal. Things still aren’t right. What if he asks me to marry him? For the first time in our relationship, I’m not sure what my answer would be and it’s all because of you. 

Ten fucking years I’ve had you in my head and still I cannot remove you. You’ve got such a tight grip on my heart that sometimes I can’t breathe without you. I hate you for that. I hate you for making me love you without even trying. I hate you for not loving me the way I deserve. I hate you. And I love you. I love you for the way you make me feel, for the easy way you smile and the way you say my name. 

Your silence should make this easier for me. It doesn’t. His love should make it easier for me. It doesn’t. It can’t. I should be happy I’ve found a boy who will love me enough to show it when you never would but I’ll be god damned if that’s enough to make me happy. 

When will I see you again? Why do I care? When was the last time you thought of me? I think about you every day. I hate myself for that. If only I could forget. 

love is

Love is fragile, love is strong;
Love can never go wrong.

Love is to lose and love is to win,
love is something in between.

Love is magical, love is sweet;
Love is when it’s you I’m with.

Love is sadness and happiness,
but eitherway, love is when we’re blessed.

Love sometimes hurt, love can be painful,
but it’s love why we still feel.

Love is when we smile without a reason,
Love is when I hear you when my favorite song is on.

Love is who you think about while reading this,
Love is who I am thinking about while I’m writing this.

pain

Pain has always been my best friend. He was there for me when I was first rejected by the one I love when I was a kid. He was there when I didn’t belong to any social peer back in high school. He didn’t leave me when I first heard that I was worthless from my mom. I swear, I can feel him patting my back while tears slowly fall.

He was there for me when I hear a certain song that makes me remember someone important from the past—I think I can hear him singing along with the song. Funny guy, he is. He totally bear with me while I was weeping about my first breakup ever.

He stood beside me when I felt alone, invisible and ignored. He was there when I’m just sitting and doing nothing. He even slept beside me, how cool. 

Pain has always been my best friend, and the good thing about him— above all things that came into my life, he’s the one who stayed and never left.

Dear You,

Is it stupid of me to still care about you? I feel like no matter what I still think about you every day. Its been a long time now and I think that it should be a lot easier to get through the day without you slipping in once or twice. Worse yet, thinking about trying to date again just makes me anxious and angry. I’m stuck here at home and there is no end to that in sight, it just makes me sad and makes me long for the past, long for the time when I had my own place and the freedom to see you.

I guess what I’m really saying is that I long to feel happy, like genuine, full on, no worries happiness. You helped that a lot, but I know I can get there without you again, its just hard thinking of another way.

you're the leading man of my own love story

You are my Landon Carter. I told you not to fall in love with me but at the middle of this story, I was the one who fell in love with you first. You are strong but I am your weakness. You’re such a proud tiger in front of your peers but you’re a meek cat when you’re with me. I am really amazed on how you manage to treat me like you never think about how other people might think about you. You have been my companion. You are my strength in times I am on my weakest. You never abandoned me despite the fact that I am not strong enough to be at your side until the end. You fight and changed a bit of yourself for me. I am your Jamie Sullivan.

You are my Peeta Mellark. At tough moments, you let me see your tears. You never get shy telling me how weak you are. That’s why I can say that you are the bravest guy I know. I never doubted you because I can see that you can protect me from anything. Through your eyes I can see the armor of protection that you have for me. You believe in destiny. You believe in me. You never abandoned me even I had gone out of boundaries so many times. You never let go of my hand even I go over things which is beyond your fears. In this survival game called love, you are my forever partner. And with you I can say that the odds have ever been on my favor. I am your Katniss Everdeen.

You are my Edward Cullen. Your eyes full of wonder. Your smile full of mystery. And your cold hugs that brought shivers through my spine. The way you look at me is way too different on how others do it. the love and care you gave me gave warm touch into my heart, the exact opposite of your cold eyes and hands. You’re strong enough to carry me. Strong enough to catch me just in time I am falling for you. You are always there, staying awake just to stare at me while I’m asleep. You told me that I am a good catch and you won’t let anybody hurt me because I’m their prey. I can’t imagine myself without you by my side. You may not be a vampire but I don’t know what’s in me that makes you thirst with my love. You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever. You are my brand of heroin. I never meant to fall in love with you. But just as the moment you look at me straight from the eyes, as just fell into a pit where vampires seems to live. I am willing to give my all to you. I am willing to be in your world. I am your Bella Swan.

You are my Jack Dawson. You’re not rich and powerful. You’re not in the upper class of the society. But your personality was rich of happiness, love and respect. You’re the exact description of a “naught but nice” guy. You make me laugh in the slightest reason. You bring out the child in me. The time you came into my life, that’s the time that I realized that I have too many reasons to live. Just right in the time when I was about to give up. You gave me the reason for my being. You taught me how to appreciate everything around me. Whenever you look at me, I felt like I’m the only girl in the world. You make me realized that the emptiness I felt in my life was just inside my heart all along. You let me experienced the meaning of true love. You opened my eyes just at the time I’m closing my heart. That’s why I am not surprised that I fell in love with you so fast. So fast that I can’t control it anymore. You are my hero. You are my true love. You are my destiny. I am your Rose DeWitt Bukater.

Can we be friends again?

Let’s forget the past between us. Let’s start making new memories. Let’s start building a new kind of friendship. I know this is odd. I know this is hard for you. But I just, I just wanna be friends with you again. Since the time you left, I know I’ve lost a part of me. I was hurt because I know something so precious was broken. You are so important to me. Taking one step forward had ruined our founded friendship. It was a right decision but at the wrong time. And now, I am taking the risk of taking another step forward, hoping that we would renew the friendship that we’ve molded for a long time. I hope we can still be the best of friends like we used to be. I am so damn serious about this because my heat and mind are calling you. I am very eager to know if I am still important to you. Because you are to me. You are so important to me. I don’t wanna lose you totally. So, can we be friends again?

Tentang Menunggu

Menunggu. Kata orang itu sesuatu yang pilu. Pengiris harapan menjadi semakin tipis. Penunda temu atas rindu yang menggebu.

Dan kamu tahu? Bagiku tak begitu.

Menunggu adalah satu-satunya jawabanku. Tentangmu, harapanku yang satu.

Jadi ketika seluruh semesta menggugat betapa pahit kata itu, mengumpat betapa menyedihkan apa yang terlihat, hingga berakhir luruh berlutut pada sebuah keinginan untuk berputus asa dan tak lagi berharap banyak, aku hanya tersenyum.

Menunggu adalah satu-satunya cara bagiku. Untuk mengabulkan sebuah cemas yang begitu rapi tersisip di setiap doa. Ya, tentang kamu.

Kubaca lagi betapa tak kuasa dan penuh air mata ketika relativitas waktu membuktikan perannya. Menyendat waktu. Memperlama hitungan detik. Meski sebenarnya segala angka-angka itu berperan sama setiap harinya. Tak berubah kecuali rasa yang mempersepsinya sendiri.

Lagi-lagi aku tersenyum.

Bagiku menunggu adalah teman baikku. Mengajari setiap jengkal kesabaran yang tak memiliki batas akhirnya. Mengajari menutup cemburu dengan rupa-rupa senyum bahagia. Bukan dusta, hanya untuk memperbaiki performa rasa dalam jiwa. Mengajari menerima apa yang tak sanggup diusahakan dengan daya upaya. Mengajari melihat doa berpilin, melayang menuju angkasa, menemui Tuhannya.

Menunggu, adalah sebuah kata yang aku suka untuk pelipur lara.

i think

“

I think,
I think when it’s all over, 
it just comes back and flashes, 
you know.

It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories,
which it all comes back, 
but he never does.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him 
that this would happen.
It’s not really anything he said, 
or anything he did.

It was 
the feeling that came along with it, 
and the crazy thing is, 
I don’t ever know if I’m gonna feel that way again.
But I don’t know if I should.

I knew his world moved too fast, and 
burned too bright.
But I just thought, 
how can the devil be pulling you towards someone
who looks 
so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that 
when he saw me.

I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that 
the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him,
it was losing me.

can you???

Can you understand? Can I make you understand somehow? You have begun to mean the world; you have begun to mean poetry and heartbeats and inexplicable mood reactions and songs and scents and conflicting words which do not match yet somehow match. You are not only a series of question marks and abstract references: You are meaning itself. You are a bright inner composure of numerous elements. Now can you possibly understand — I am merely words. I used to believe I was merely words and I do not know whether I shall start hoping for something more. You planted that sense of hope in a secret deeply hidden place; it had walls made of bricks and huge abandoned gardens full of despair. It was covered in dusty waves and it was kept underground where no soul would ever walk. And you walked there - you planted hope. And now I cannot imagine myself without it.

I'll be honest.

I love you. I love you with all my heart. I may sound stupid or crazy but I don’t care what others think. I love you since the day we decided to be best friends. I love your personality. Your sense of humor~ I love how you can make me laugh. You cheer me up when I am down. I feel comfortable with you. Your smile, style- OMG, the icing on the cake. We have so much in common. Also not to mention how close our birthdays are. I love the way you and I have all these inside jokes. You are like my best buddy in everything. OMG, hanging out with you so much others thought we were dating. On the outside both of us were like “no” but in my mind I really wanted to be. I don’t want to lose you like the other boys I lost. This would have been the 3rd time I’ve lost someone but I’ll play it safe. I wont tell. Even though I want to tell you sooooo bad.

Dear ___

Another day is about to end and it was fine with me,
i never really thought of seeing you again anytime soon ..

but rain is pouring and something inside me tells me to look outside my window,
so i did, and there you are, standing in the rain just like that day you first told me you like me ..

i don’t know what is it with rain but it sure has been a big part of our lives .. (hahah!)

seeing you outside my house, standing in the rain and flashing me that sweet smile of yours just made my day complete ..

you just don’t know how happy i am right now ..
thank you and please do it more often .. :)

Love,
jessica ♥

Some days I seem lost

I still can’t seem to forget you. I wonder how you’re doing and if you’re ok. Why is it that you won’t come back to me. Come back home to where love was real. I promised I would never let you go and I will keep that promise. What hurts me tho, is that you broke your promise. I gave you the world and just because you were to afraid to fall in love with me, you let me go. I’ll be here waiting if you ever come back. I promise. 

C.I.N.T.A

Dia seringkali datang saat kita sudah tidak berharap

Dia seakan punya kekuatan absolut untuk datang dan  pergi seenak hati

Kala dia ada, semua memang terlihat dan terasa indah tiada cela

Namun saat dia bosan dan pergi tanpa permisi, luka di hati yang ditinggalkan dan

Tidak ada yang tahu pasti apakah luka itu bisa terobati

Meski kadang kita berdoa penuh harap agar bisa mendapatkannya

Merengkuh kesejatian dan merasakan ketulusannya

Menelan semua duka dan luka yang mungkin timbul selama perjalan meraihnya

Melangkah terus menerjang semua halangan demi mendapatkannya

Membiarkan tetes keringat dan air mata berlomba bercucuran demi mempertahankannya

Tidak ada yang tahu pasti apakah ia akan terus dihati

Tidak ada yang berani memaksanya ada diantara dua hati

Tidak ada yang sanggup menolaknya saat sudah menyentuh sanubari

Tidak ada yang kuasa memisahkannya jika sudah terpatri dihati

Tidak ada yang bisa menciptakan kepura-puraan agar ia terasa seperti sejati

Sudahlah, terima saja saat dia menyapamu

Sudahlah, pasrah saja saat dia pergi meninggalkanmu

Sudahlah, jangan paksa jika dia memilih dirimu jika dia tak mau

Sudahlah, jangan pernah menyerah jika dia memang telah bersamamu

Sudahlah, biarkan dia melakukan apapun yang dia mau

Kenalilah dia, ia sang penguasa jiwa yang mengembara, ia adalah CINTA

You always hurt the one you love

The twisted thing about humans is that we do hurt the ones we love the most. When they hurt us we want them to feel how hurt we are, so we do things or say things to hurt them even more. It’s vindictive, and the moment we do/say something hurtful we usually tend to regret it. It’s a terrible habit. It pushes people away. You can’t unsay the things you’ve said and you can’t undo the things you’ve done. How do you even start such a vicious cycle? More importantly how do you end it? When you love somebody, you want to see them happy because it makes you happy to see that big smile on their face, or the twinkle in their eyes. So why hurt them ?

They say it’s healthy for people to fight and argue but when does it go from being healthy to realising you’re not in a happy relationship anymore? When do you give up on everything you had together, and all the things you wanted to do together? If one of you gives up then there’s nothing you can do. It’s over then, and the sooner you realise it the sooner you can pick yourself up, dust your knees and make a fresh start for yourself. There’s no point in looking back because it’s gone, the past only gives you a lesson. Learn it and look forward, and pray that you’re smart enough to not make the same mistake. 

Diam-Diam

Untuk Kamu.

Entah ini surat keberapa untukmu yang kutulis lalu kudiamkan di dalam lemari. Entah ini kali keberapa aku merasa ingin sekali mengungkapkan semuanya lalu aku kembali takut semua akan sia-sia.

Sudah berapa abad terlewati sejak hari itu? Rasanya sudah lama sekali. Sungguh aku ingin sekali bertemu. Mungkin untuk menatap sinar matamu dengan malu-malu. Atau sekedar duduk diam-diam menyimpan rindu.

Kamu baik-baik saja, kan? 

Kamu tahu? Diam-diam aku suka sekali dengan senyummu. Aku suka matamu. Aku suka hidungmu, pipimu, bibirmu. Aku suka semuanya tentang dirimu. Aku suka kamu apa adanya kamu. Kamu itu, dirimu itu, kesayangan aku.

Ah seandainya bisa kuungkapkan semua ini padamu. Bahwa suatu saat di masa lalu, aku pernah diam-diam ingin memilikimu. Bahkan setiap saat di masa sekarang, aku masih tetap diam-diam ingin memilikimu. Tapi semua ini rahasia, dan aku tahu pasti aku paling pandai menyembunyikan rasa.

Aku ingin sekali menjadi orang terakhir yang kamu bayangkan sebelum kamu terlelap di malam hari, dan menjadi orang pertama yang kamu pikirkan saat kamu terbangun di pagi hari. Aku ingin menjadi dia yang mengisi siangmu dengan canda tawa, dan menjadi dia yang selalu hadir di setiap mimpi indahmu.

Diam-diam aku selalu cemburu pada udara, yang bisa seenaknya membelai-belai wajahmu. Aku selalu marah pada matahari, yang bisa dengan gampangnya menghangatkan tubuhmu.

Sayangnya, aku ini seperti pengecut. Semua ini tak mungkin kukatakan padamu. Aku terlalu takut. Semoga suatu hari kau bisa mengerti. Aku selalu diam-diam ingin memilikimu.

Tertanda,

Aku

Cara Aku Mencintaimu

Apa yang harus aku lakukan? Aku menyukaimu dan ingin sekali kau tau akan hal itu. Tapi… Aku juga takut. Takut kalau ternyata perasaanku ini malah mengganggumu.

Aku teringat pelajaran yang baru saja kau ajarkan padaku. Kesabaran. Aku harus bisa bersabar menunggu sampai saat indah itu tiba.

Aku harus sabar. Karena apa yang kurasakan, kalau aku ingin semua ini bertahan sampai selamanya, maka aku harus menahannya sampai saat yang tepat itu tiba. Aku juga harus menahan agar tidak ada orang yang tau tentang perasaanku. Bahkan dirimu.

Cinta seperti apa yang aku rasakan ini? Mengapa aku tidak menginginkan kau mengetahui bahwa kehadiranmu selalu membuatku gugup? Mengapa aku tidak menginginkan kau tau bahwa apa yang kulakukan selalu kacau jika kau memperhatikanku? Apakah ini cinta, jika aku hanya mengkhawatirkan keadaanmu saat kau terlihat sakit dan sedih saat melihat tidak ada senyum di wajahmu namun tidak melakukan apapun untuk menghiburmu?

Iya, itu cinta.

Cinta versi aku.

Seperti itulah bagaimana aku mencintaimu.

Kalau mereka mengatakan “cinta tak harus memiliki” hanya diucapkan oleh orang-orang yang SUDAH PASTI bertepuk sebelah tangan, tapi menurutku cinta memang seharusnya seperti itu.

Kalau ia membatasi, itu bukan cinta.
Kalau ia menyakiti, itu bukan cinta.

Lalu darimana datangnya kebahagiaan jika kau mencintai seseorang tapi tak bersama dengan yang dicintai? Hanya dengan melihatnya bahagia, maka akupun ikut bahagia. Ini bukan lamunan utopis. Tapi itulah yang aku pahami dan aku lakukan. Hanya dengan melihatmu tersenyum, tertawa dan bercanda dengan orang lain bisa membuat aku ikut merasa bahagia. Itu berarti, kau bisa kan bahagia tanpa aku? Karena aku bisa bahagia hanya dengan melihatmu.

Lalu, cinta apakah yang aku miliki ini? Aku sendiri tidak tahu namanya. Tapi yang aku tahu, aku berusaha untuk mengikhlaskan cintaku apapun yang terjadi.

Setiap hari, doaku pada Tuhanku selalu sama. “Tuhan… Jika hati ini memang kau ciptakan untuknya, maka tolong jaga hati ini sampai nanti ia bisa menerimanya. Tuhan, jika ia adalah pria terbaik yang engkau ciptakan untukku, maka tunjukkanlah jalan terbaik pada kami. Dan… Jika yang terbaik bagi kami adalah berdiri di jalan kami masing-masing dan bukan bersama, maka berikanlah keikhlasan padaku agar bisa mengembalikan perasaan ini menjadi sekedar kekaguman biasa.”

Ah… Aku lupa satu hal. Terima kasih. Terima kasih padamu. Kau telah mengajarkan satu hal lagi padaku. Kau telah mengajarkan padaku bagaimana caranya untuk IKHLAS :)

untitle

I once met an Angel.
He was pure of light, he came to me. He showed me that life could be more than just an empty space sometimes filled with sorrow and pain.
I was lost in the limbo, he gave me a hand.
This Angel, he helped me, and I could never forget his face.
He stood up for me when no one else did, and he saw whom I really was.
He made me smile.
Then I felt the life, I felt the life out of the limbo, he gave me wings now I can fly.
I no more wanted to be far from the Angel. And it felt like I had an handcuff tying my wings on his.
I fell in love with the Angel.
But something torn us apart, an strenght much more powerful than destiny.
Now I feel a zillion of feelings that I cannot control, neither understand and I don’t know where to step anymore, every place feels like an dangerous place. All that I can understand is that I need the Angel, you, with me again. 
So if you feel that you can comeback, please come back. Because I’m living into the deepest darkness without your light.

“What if someone you love is happier without you? Will you leave?”

Saya berulang kali membaca pertanyaan itu… dan berpikir. Akankah saya benar-benar bisa meninggalkan seseorang yang saya cinta, jika nyatanya ia lebih berbahagia tanpa saya? Hingga paragraf awal ini saya tulis, saya belum meyakini jawabannya.

Mungkin kita terlalu sering diajari mencinta, hingga lupa bahwa ada juga yang namanya mengikhlaskan dan merelakan. Pada bagian ini, saya bukan orang yang lihai melakukannya. Namun tak mungkin juga menjadi orang yang egois, memaksakan untuk bersama tanpa memikirkan apakah ia yang kita cinta juga merasakan bahagia yang sama.

Kita semua butuh merasa dibutuhkan, kita ingin merasa diingini, kita rindu merasa dirindui. Namun apalah artinya jika tanpa kata ‘saling’? Bukan berarti menuntut timbal balas, ‘saling’ lebih kepada tanpa paksaan, rela hati, bahkan merasa suka melakukannya.

Kembali ke pertanyaan awal. Jika ia yang kamu cinta lebih bahagia tanpa adanya dirimu, apakah kamu mau meninggalkannya? Susah memang, namun bukan berarti tak bisa. Toh, esensi meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan adalah “berbahagia tanpa”, bukan “bersedih dengan”.

Saya belajar banyak, banyak sekali. Menerima walau tak diterima, merelakan pergi ia yang menginginkan saya pergi, ikut berbahagia saat ia yang saya cinta berbahagia tanpa saya. Dan diakhir paragraf ini, saya menjawab pertanyaan tersebut dengan, “Iya, saya akan pergi. Berbahagialah kamu tanpa saya.”

“I will learn to love again. I will learn to love. I will learn.”

Apakah Kau Baca Suratku Hari Ini?

Hari ini, seperti hari-hari sebelumnya, tak ada yang istimewa. Kuawali pagi dengan membereskan beberapa berkas yang terserak di meja kerjaku. Kelelahan semalam membuatku tak lagi punya kekuatan, bahkan untuk sekedar merapihkan isi kamar. Kubiarkan selimut terjuntai ke lantai. Cangkir kopi dengan ampas yang mengerak di dalamnya masih ada di ujung meja kerja. Belum lagi asbak penuh puntung rokok dan abu yang berserakan disekitarnya. Entah mengapa aku tak punya keahlian dalam hal berbenah. Mungkin keahlianku hanya satu, menulis surat untukmu. Seperti saat ini. Selalu di tempat ini.

Kau tahu halaman belakang rumah kita tak terlalu besar. Namun aku nyaman menghabiskan waktu berjam-jam disini. Apalagi saat pekerjaan seperti tak punya pengertian, sungguh hanya tempat ini yang layak dijadikan pelarian. Dan menulis surat untukmu, selalu jadi kebiasaan yang tak pernah terlewatkan.

Sudah tiga tahun delapan bulan tak kulihat wajahmu. Seribu tiga ratus tiga puluh delapan hari kita jalan sendiri-sendiri. Sebanyak itulah surat yang kutulis untukmu. Aku rasa kau cukup mengenalku. Lebih mudah bagiku mengungkapkan perasaan melalui tulisan. Ya, aku tak pandai menggunakan lidahku untuk berkata-kata. Aku hanya berharap semoga surat-suratku cukup detail mengungkapkan makna cinta.

“Apa kabarmu, sayang?”

Pertanyaan ini. Sederhana. Tapi sadarkah kau aku menanyakannya dengan sepenuh jiwa? Aku sungguh ingin tahu kabarmu. Menerka-nerka itu tak menyenangkan. Dan khawatir itu sungguh menyesakkan.
Aku mengharapkan balasan suratmu. Tidak, aku tak meminta kau membalasnya dengan rayuan cinta atau kalimat berbunga-bunga. Cukup kau yakinkan aku bahwa dirimu baik-baik saja. Disana. Tanpaku.

Sudahkah kau baca suratku hari ini?
Aku mengirimkannya lewat paket kilat. Bayangkan, Tuhan sendiri yang jadi perantaranya. Aku percaya Ia tak mungkin berkhianat. Jadi kupastikan surat untukmu sampai dengan selamat, ke tempatmu, yang kusebut, akhirat.

Menjalani hidup tanpamu, bukanlah perkara mudah buatku. Kau tahu rasanya jika rindu datang menyerang? Aku lebih baik disiksa hingga gila daripada harus menahan rindu yang tak mampu kusampaikan. Ditambah rangkaian kenangan yang tak mungkin kuabaikan. Mereka perpaduan maha dahsyat untuk meracuniku! Jika aku telah berada di batas sekarat, doa menjadi penawar paling mujarab. Berbincang dengan Tuhan, tak ubahnya berbincang dengan dirimu. Setidaknya sedikit rinduku terobati. Sedikit.

Apakah kau baca suratku hari ini?
Semoga kau tak bosan memahami tiap huruf yang kurangkai dengan spasi dan tanda baca. Hanya itu caraku mengungkapkan rasa. Balaslah jika kau sempat. Tak perlu berwujud surat. Pastikan saja kau selalu dekat, walau tak lagi nyata.

Bukan Untukmu

Hai, ehm…aku tahu kita sudah jarang bicara. Aku tak tahu siapa yang menjauh, aku atau kamu.

Aku tak tahu ingin bicara apa. Sebenarnya banyak yang ingin kubicarakan. Tapi pasti kau repot dengan tugas-tugas sekolahmu yang menumpuk itu. Dan lagi, aku tak yakin kau ingin mendengarnya. Yang keluar dari mulutku mungkin hanya keluhan dan kau pasti tak dapat mengumpulkan kata-kataku. 

Kau tahu aku masih mencintaimu. Aku tak tahu apakah kamu masih mencintaiku. Aku memang bodoh, karena akulah yang merusak semuanya. Aku masih sering membicarakanmu didepan anak-anak Pramuka SMP-mu. Menganggap semuanya tak terjadi apa-apa.

Kau tahu, tampaknya aku terlalu mencintaimu. Dengan segenap jiwaku. Sampai-sampai, apabila kau tak ada, jiwaku yang sakit. Hahaha, iya aku sakit jiwa. Aku terlalu mencintaimu. Karena ada diriku didalam dirimu. Kita terlalu sama. Yaa meski ada sedikit perbedaanya.

Maksud suratku ini, mungkin aku mencintaimu karena aku menemukan diriku yang satu lagi. Mungkin cintaku bukan untukmu, tapi untuk diriku sendiri. Maaf.

Kau pasti tak mengerti hahaha. Sudahlah kau tak perlu mengerti. Yang penting jangan salah paham. Maaf jika aku membingungkanmu. Sebagai penutup, aku kutip sebagian puisiku waktu itu. Semoga perasaan itu masih tertera dihatimu. Semoga.

Beri aku waktu satu hari lagi…

…sebelum aku mati.

…yaitu hari dimana aku bisa menunggumu pulang.

Kutunggu ditempat aku biasa menunggumu.

Setelah itu kau bebas boleh menyakiti aku.

YOU ARE NOT…

You are not a horrible person.
You are not insane or crazy or stupid.
You are not ugly. You are not disgusting. You are not trash.
You are not what he did, or what they said, or how she felt.
You are not a number on a scale.
You are not weak when you are vulnerable.
You are not a grade inked on a sheet of paper.

You are not a coward because you have fears. We all have fears.
You are not a lost cause just because you are still searching.
You are not foolish because you care so deeply about things most people don’t take the time to notice.
You are not unworthy because of your past or the mistakes you made.
You are not doomed to misery no matter what your doubts scream in your ears.
You are not hopeless just because you fall and fail.
You are not insignificant. You are not invisible. You are not inadequate even though you don’t measure to the world’s standards of success.

You are not damaged beyond repair even after all these years.
You are not the sins of another or the tragedy of others.
You are not limited to how you grew up or who you loved.
You are not the mistakes or expectations of your parents. Or anyone for that matter.
You are not defeated even though you are wounded.
You are not silly. Your dreams belong to you. They are not silly.
You are not empty. There is light, and art, and love in you.

You are not the only one who feels the way you do, sees the world with dreamy eyes, or hopes that it truly does get better.

You are not alone.
You are not alone.
You are never alone.

We will find each other. You will find me, and I will find you. I truly believe somehow we will all find the people we need in this world. We will meet, and it will be a beautiful day when I finally see your smile and the light of joy and peace in your eyes.

Until then remember these words and remember that I mean every single one.

Meski Kamu Tak Pernah Tahu

Kamu, sosok yang hadir dalam setiap mimpiku. Membuat segalanya indah meski terlihat samar. Kamulah yang membuatku selalu berusaha menjadi lebih baik. Menjadi lebih baik agar aku pantas bersamamu. Kamu, energi tersendiri bagi tubuhku. Meresap dalam seluruh sel darahku, mendekap organ tubuhku. Kamu, begitu nyata dalam semua khayalku. Meski kamu tak pernah tahu.

Aku selalu memerhatikan setiap gerakmu, menjadi pemuja rahasiamu. Menjadi orang pertama yang membangunkan tidurmu setiap pagi. Menjadi orang pertama yang mengingatkan jam makanmu. Menjadi orang pertama yang mengucapkan selamat tidur. Menjadi orang pertama yang menegurmu ketika kamu berbuat salah. Menjadi orang pertama yang menjagamu. Aku selalu berusaha menjadi yang pertama.  Meski kamu tak pernah tahu.

Akulah orang yang selalu ingat semua kejadian dalam hidupmu. Menulisnya dalam catatan harianku. Orang yang menyimpan semua kenangan tentangmu. Orang yang memasak sarapan pagi untukmu. Orang yang membuat segelas susu hangat setiap kali datang hujan. Orang yang selalu berusaha ada di setiap waktu. Aku selalu belajar menjadi yang terdekat denganmu. Meski kamu tak pernah tahu.

Aku bahagia menjadi seperti ini. Setidaknya aku bisa tersenyum saat hati ini terus mendesak, meminta kamu untuk tahu betapa aku mencintaimu.  Aku tak mampu bila bertatap muka denganmu. Aku tak kuasa menahan senyum kegirangan kala kau menoleh ke arahku walau tak sengaja. Aku yang mendukungmu dalam setiap kegiatanmu. Aku yang diam-diam mendoakanmu agar kau senantiasa terjaga. Aku yang mengkhawatirkanmu saat namamu tak ada dalam beranda sosial mediaku. Aku bahagia, sangat bahagia. Meski kamu tak pernah tahu.

Aku benar-benar tak ingin apa-apa lagi selain kamu ada di sini. Aku membutuhkanmu. Sebuah mimpi yang menjadi nyata dalam hidupku. Kamu adalah kekuatan mimpi. Sosok yang terlahir dari mimpi, tumbuh dari mimpi, tapi aku tak ingin berakhir dalam mimpi. Kamu adalah bukti nyata bahwa mimpi itu nyata. Mimpi bukan hanya bunga tidur semata.

Sekarang, aku tak ingin memejamkan mataku. Aku tak ingin bermimpi lagi. Aku tak ingin ada yang lain dalam mimpiku selain kamu. Tolong temani aku. Aku tak ingin memejamkan mata. Bawa aku kemana pun kamu mau, ajak aku pergi sesuka hatimu. Aku hanya tak ingin memejamkan mata. Jika aku harus memjamkan mata, aku ingin kamu ada di sisiku selama aku memejamkan mata. Mengertilah, aku tak ingin kamu pergi. Kehilangan mimpi yang menjadi nyata dalam hidupku.

Aku hanya ingin kamu tahu, meski kamu tak pernah tahu, Ayah.

A note for you

I’ve got some things to say to you.

I know I shouldn’t, the conversation has been dead for ages. But still, I find myself looking for the answers to unasked questions, waiting for something that was never said, was meant to have been said, is still lingering on the tips of our tongues, the edges of our lips.

Lips that crash against one another in a supernova explosion of the desire we keep locked away—
Or was that just me?
Was I making it up in my head?
When you hugged me like that, squeezing like there was something… something you wanted me to know but it was something you couldn’t say. 
I might be lying to myself, but I want to believe I know you better than that.
I want to think that when you said that we’re too stubborn it was a lie to yourself as much as it was to me. A feeble attempt to set us free. 
Free from this nightmare blend of whispers in the night that never reach the other’s ears.
And that’s assumming that while I’m whispering, somewhere you are too. That while your laugh and drink your wine, someplace in your head, you’re thinking of:

Sitting on a couch with my head in your lap as we read our favorite passages of books out loud to one another while music plays in the background.

Walking in the sunshine with smiles so big our faces hurt and it only gets worse when we look at eachother and ask, “what?” Like we’ve been caught doing something wrong. Like just looking at the other should have been forbidden.

And maybe it should be.

Because it’s late.
And I’m late.
My words are late and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I have to be sorry.
And I’m sorry that I still love you.
I love you, and sorry doesn’t cut it.
I love you can’t change a thing.

But I need to say it because I feel the weight of it crushing my chest and holding me by the throat in every waking moment. And when I finally go to sleep, all I see is what could have, should have and it taunts me.

So I love you. 
Even though it doesn’t mean a thing to you.

Or maybe that’s a lie I tell myself because I’m scared that you weren’t lying.

But still, I will...

I will write you love poems…

I am sure you will never read,

but still, I will write them…

I will cry tears for you…

I am sure you will never see,

but still, I will shed those tears anyway…

I will whisper your name…

letting the wind carry them to you, but they won’t

but still, I will whisper, and I will hope…

Screw falling in love.

My heart itself is already in tangles. A web of nonsense
and a drawerful of necklace chains that I will never
have the patience to separate. I am sounds mixed with
different mediums of light. Six thousand eight hundred
dialects of flesh that I don’t have enough time to
translate into words. This dictionary of skin is unreadable and
Latin is dead because of what we never had the balls to
tell each other.

I am swearing off of love because everything inside of me
is oil and vinegar and I no longer believe that it’s morally correct
to fall in love with the intent of both destroying and rebuilding 
another human being. I am a forest fire and an ocean, and
my favorite color is the same as the color that hurts me the most.

I don’t want your sentimentality. Quit looking at me intending
to melt me. We all know it’s working. We all know what this heart
is capable of unfolding.

I am not as strong as my words pretend to be. Not 
as quiet as these caesuras promise. This heart is a patchwork quilt of people
that leave different shades of blue inside of me.

The drowning. Your skies. 
The outline of a blue jay on a porcelain plate.

For now, I am closing off these bones for someone who will know
how to trace me without me ever telling them what I look like naked.

I no longer want to seduce the words out of people just to see
if I can. The love that I’m looking for falls out of the realm of your lips
and my lips and our lips doing a dance that involves bodies and more skin
and your hair touching mine, gently, like two winds
colliding.

Screw falling in love.

It’s too much to handle when
I’m already having difficulties breathing and keeping track of my
heartbeats and making sure that my limbs are doing what
they need to be doing.

But,
men are so beautiful.

But this heart is so
fragile.

I am every vulnerability that the thesaurus has to
offer me and in a certain light it’s impossible for me not to pull you
towards me with the intent of kissing the very life
out of you.

What I’m trying to say is that you are not allowed in.
What I’m trying to say is that all I want is to open myself up and have you
rearrange me, untangle the gold chains of my heart, love me for
every shade of blue that I have hidden in the silent spaces
between parentheses.

I have sworn off of falling in love,

but I know that in the morning, 
outside, in the pale frost of February,

all I’ll want is to hold another person’s hand, warm and
gloved, in their coat’s pocket.