jika saja

jika saja mata itu bisa berbicara dan beralih fungsi menjadi mulut mungkin indra itu adalah indra yang paling jujur yang pernah kita miliki , seandainya pun mulut bisa melihat seperti mata melihat segala kebusukan dengki dan benci pasti mulut akan bertindak sesuai yang benar , jika saja ufuk pagi di mentari pagi ini bisa menjelaskan betapa duduk di tempat yang pernah kita duduki berdua membuat percakapan tentang pekerjaan di awal dan memulai membicarakan tentang sebuah ketertarikan di akhir yang akhirnya menimbulkan luka di hatimu, jika saja kau ingat petualangan hati kita adalah sebuah petualangan yang menegangkan dan membuat semua yang melihat dan berbicara itu iri dengki dan bahkan benci untuk suatu hal yang kita sebut cinta , jika saja suatu nanti aku diijinkan kembali memeluk hangat sesuatu yang baru kita mulai tersebut atau mengakhiri sebuah pelukan hangat yang baru kita mulai , jika saja aku siap untuk hal itu seperti lampu yang siap dimatikan ketika kau sudah mendapatkan terang yang kau inginkan . jika saja aku dapat mengartikan arti kata tulisanku sendiri ini untuk semua . jika saja …

Hilang

Apa definisi hilang?pergi?tidak terlihat?beda ya?hilang….ya hilang hehehe, hilang ya hilang itu sendiri.
Mmmm….klo kehilangan?tidak memiliki lagi apa yang pernah kita (anggap miliki), ya…aku sedang takut kehilangan, padahal kamu bukan punyaku ^_^a, kamu punya Tuhan yang sedang dititipkan, harusnya aku ndak boleh berani takut kehilangan karena kita disatukan dengan ditautkan di 1 jalan.
Sedang kupikirkan, yang sedang kulakukan beberapa bulan yang lalu, sebelum mulai ada nyeri aneh di hatiku untuk kamu…tapi itu hal sulit, karena semakin aku pikir kapan tepatnya itu, aku bingung, semalam? sejak melihat potongan imaji dari 1 saja foto di DP bbm mu waktu itu, ia….sejak lihat ekspresimu cerita di kantin waktu itu….ia, atau waktu kulihat kamu sedang autis maen games di hapemu? hahaha….entah, kali ini…silahkan berbangga hati, kamu buat aku ngerasa berkali-kali jatuh cinta dengan orang yang sama, sama kamu (¬˛ ¬ ”) .
Kusederhakan akhirnya, kuingat-ingat lagi keadaanku, hidup dan hatiku tepatnya sebelum ketemu kamu, jelas sekali berarti, 27 May 2013 lalu diruang 5, pelajaran pak azari disana, tapi ya gimana….aku sudah lupa ^_^a, biarinlah….apa yang nanti terjadi….kucoba sederhanakan lagi bahagia dengan melihatmu tersenyum saja, toh sudah kumohon kepada Allah, maha pencipta kita untuk bisa menemanimu lama.
Sudah ah, begitu saja yang ingin kukenang nanti untuk hari ini…..selalulah baik-baik saja, agar selalu ada hal yang bisa kudoakan :),

I love you dear, more. (◦ˆ ⌣ ˆ◦)

Tentang Aku dan Kamu

Aku benci merindukan kamu..

Tetapi aku lebih benci lagi ketika sadar..

Aku bukan lagi siapa – siapa kamu..

Satu hal yang menyakitkan dari sebuah perpisahan yang tidak baik – baik..

Adalah ketika rindu tak lagi bisa disampaikan..

Semuanya terhalang jeruji - jeruji benci..

Berkali – kali aku mencoba lari..

Lari dari kenyataan yang menghampiri..

Semuanya sia – sia..

Kamu pergi, tak apa..

Aku sempat putuskan untuk mencari lagi..

Mencari sosok seperti kamu yang dulu ada di hati..

Hingga aku sadar..

Rasa apa yang kini ada dalam benak diri..

Rasa mati, semuanya hanya rasa mati..

Jika kamu tahu..

Semua yang aku perjuangkan ini telah menyebabkan luka di banyak hati..

Aku mencari bayangmu dalam wujud orang lain..

Aku mencari cintamu dalam hati yang lain..

Jika kamu akhirnya mendengarkan ini..

Ketahuilah jika aku sudah benar – benar pergi..

Mungkin banyak yang lebih baik dari kamu..

Tapi gag kan, gag akan ada yang seperti kamu..

Kenyataan itu yang sekarang menghampiri aku..

Dan akhirnya aku ungkap rasa sakit ini..

Berharap semua berlalu..

Semoga bayangmu tak lagi menjadi bayang semu..

Tapi biarkan semuanya berlalu tentang aku dan kamu..

teruntuk kamu..

kamu adalah langitku..

tapi aku bukanlah mataharimu..

dia lah matahari yang kamu pilih menemanimu setiap langkahmu..

dia lah yang memberi sinar dalam setiap perjalananmu..

dia lah yang memberi warna dalam hidupmu..

aku hanyalah bintang di langitmu..

aku hanyalah malam..

tak ada yang istimewa..

dia yang selalu lebih bersinar dibandingkan aku..

dia yang selalu lebih indah..

terkadang aku pun tak telihat di langitmu..

padahal aku selalu setia menemani gelapmu..

aku rela hanya menjadi sebagian kecil cerita hidupmu..

setidaknya aku masih ada dalam hidupmu..

dan tetap menjadi bagian dalam hidupmu..

Ku sebut itu "rindu"

Untukmu seseorang yang selalu aku rindukan,

Jika dulu merindukanmu adalah sesuatu yang slalu aku suka. Tapi sekarang aku tak pernah menyukai lagi rasa itu. Jika dulu merindukanmu adalah jarak yang harus aku lewati sendiri. Tapi kini jarak itu tak lagi ada. Jarak itu telah menghilang. Karena kamu sudah beranjak pergi. Tak lagi ada di tempat yang dulu. Entah di mana aku harus mencarimu.

Jika kamu kini telah menemukan rumah untuk cintamu. Masih bolehkah aku terus menunggu kamu kembali di sini. Menunggu kamu yang ku sebut dengan rumah. Jika aku hanya boleh sejenak tuk singgah di sana. Aku ingin sejenak mengulang kisah bahagia bersamamu. Mengulang pertama kali kita saling menyapa sebagai orang asing. Kemudian  saling menggali sisi kehidupan kita. Mencari tahu apa yang telah terjadi hidup kita di masa lalu. Bercerita tentang mimpi kita di masa depan. Aku sangat menyukai proses itu. Aku merasa sangat dekat denganmu. Tanpa pernah aku merasakan ada jarak. Tapi entah kapan jarak itu muncul. Aku mulai mengenal rindu. Aku mulai mendamba rasa itu. Aku masih bisa menahan semua rasa itu sendiri.menahan rasa sepiku ketika merindukanmu.

Aku tahu jika kamu tak pernah memperdulikan perasaanku. Meski telah terucap, semua tak berubah. Kamu selalu pergi menjauh dari hidupku. Kamu terlampau jauh untuk ku capai. Jika cinta adalah perjuangan. Mungkin aku lelah terus berlari sendiri mengejarmu. Sementara kamu tak pernah berhenti  hanya sekedar tuk menungguku. Tapi kamu selalu berlalu mengejar dia. Sampai aku tak pernah melihatmu lagi. Dan ku lihat kamu bersamanya. Seseorang yang memang kamu pilih mendampingi hidupmu.

Jika dulu aku pernah membuat hidupmu berwarna seperti apa yang kamu ucapkan kepadaku dulu. Aku sudah cukup bahagia. Bisa membuatmu bahagia walaupun hanya sejenak. Dan kemudian kamu pergi meninggalkanku. Aku selalu suka mendengar kisah hidupmu. Aku setia mendengar keluh – kesahmu tentang hidup. Yaa..aku selalu suka semua tentangmu. Sampai sekarang masih teringat jelas semua tentang hal yang kamu sukai, apa yang tidak kamu sukai, mimpimu kelak. Aku masih mengingat semua itu, andai kamu tahu.

Tapi semua tak lagi penting untukmu. Tapi masih ada dalam ingatan dan hatiku. Bagaimana kamu membuatku kembali mengingat perasaan yang ku sebut dengan cinta. Walau pada akhirnya aku tahu semua akan berakhir seperti apa. Aku tetap mencobanya. Aku tahu jika kelak suatu saat aku yang akan merasa sakit. Apakah aku masih boleh merindukanmu sama seperti dulu?? Walaupun kamu sudah bersama dia kini. Aku tak pernah berharap menjadi seseorang yang sangat berarti dalam hidupmu. Cukuplah aku di sini,menjadi bagian dari hidupmu. Melihat bahagiamu dari kejauhan. Tanpa perlu kamu tahu.

Ada hal yang membuatku sedih. Ketika bukan aku lagi yang bisa membuatmu bahagia. Ketika bukan aku lagi yang membuatmu tertawa. Tapi ketika ku lihat dia yang ada di sampingmu. Tak usah lagi pedulikan perasaanku di sini. Aku sudah tahu jika semua akan berakhir seperti ini. Hanya saja aku keras kepala, mencoba sesuatu yang aku tahu pasti akhirnya seperti ini. Ini bukan salahmu, karena aku yang pertama kali mempunyai perasaan sayang ini. Yang terpenting sekarang adalah bahagiamu. Aku adalah orang yang selalu ingin melihat senyummu. Aku adalah orang yang tidak pernah suka melihatmu sedih atau putus asa. Aku hanya ingin melihat kamu terus semangat menjalani hidupmu. Tak pernah mengeluh karena hidup. Itu yang selalu kamu ucapkan kepadaku.

Biarkan aku sendiri di sini. Biarkan aku menikmati rinduku sendiri. Walau kadang  menyesakkan hati. Aku akan selalu tersenyum ketika menatapku. Tanpa perlu kamu tahu kesedihanku. Aku akan selalu di sini tuk menunggumu. Jika kelak kamu tak kembali, maka aku akan pergi mencari jalanku sendiri. Aku pasti akan menemukan jalan untuk bahagiaku. Beri aku waktu, beri aku jarak. Agar aku bisa menghilangkan rasa cemburuku kepadanya. Aku selalu berdoa semoga kamu mendapatkan seseorang yang selalu bisa membuatmu bahagia. Tak pernah bosan mendampingimu, selalu setia menjagamu. Jika kelak Tuhan mempertemukan kita kembali, aku masih seperti dulu. Saat kita pertama bertemu….

Him

When your in love with someone .
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve know them .

What Matters is that you want to spend every second of forever just talking to him.

What Matters is that you know each others stories.

What Matters is that when your scared or alone you want him there to tell you it’s gonna be ok.

Most of All What Matters Is knowing he loves someone else and you can’t tell him you like him because the person he likes is way better for him than your ever gonna be.

I met this guy . He was funny , smart , sweet and such a great person. We went heart to heart by the beach . Just talking to him makes my day.
His in Love with One of my Friends. 
What Hurts is that he asks me for advise on her and I’m probably never gonna see him again.

Cinta Vs Suka

Rasa cinta ini di mulai dari mata, dan rasa suka di mulai dari telinga. Aku bisa dengan mudah mengabaikan orang yang menyukaiku. Dengan menutup telingaku misalnya. Tapi tidak dengan orang yang mencintaiku. Aku tidak bisa menutup mata dari orang yang mencintaiku. Karena di saat aku mencoba menutup mata, cinta itu akan berubah menjadi tetesan air mata dan luka yang akan terus tinggal di dalam hati dalam jangka waktu yang cukup lama.

nangis

Pengen nangis.

Nangis sepuasnya sampe ga bisa nangis lagi.

Bener-bener pengen nangis.

Nangis emang ga bikin masalah selesai.

Tapi nangis bisa bikin perasaan sedikit agak tenang.

Kadang ada orang yg kalo lagi marah, dia suka bilang

“Kesabaran gue udah abis!!”

Tapi kata mama sabar itu ga ada abisnya.

Gue harus nerapin kata-kata itu di kehidupan gue.

Gue harus sabar.

Semuanya bakal terasa gampang kalo kita sabar.

Tapi masalahnya sabar itu ga gampang.

Gue harus senyum, gue harus ‘keliatan’ ceria meskipun itu sulit.

Tapi tetep nanti malem gue harus nangis.

Soalnya ini masih pagi.

Suasanannya ga mendukung kalo nangis pagi-pagi.

Gue cewe, gue nangis, dan itu wajar.

Kalo ada cowo yg nangis, bukan berarti dia itu banci.

Artinya cowo itu punya perasaan & hati yg tulus.

A note for you

I’ve got some things to say to you.

I know I shouldn’t, the conversation has been dead for ages. But still, I find myself looking for the answers to unasked questions, waiting for something that was never said, was meant to have been said, is still lingering on the tips of our tongues, the edges of our lips.

Lips that crash against one another in a supernova explosion of the desire we keep locked away—
Or was that just me?
Was I making it up in my head?
When you hugged me like that, squeezing like there was something… something you wanted me to know but it was something you couldn’t say. 
I might be lying to myself, but I want to believe I know you better than that.
I want to think that when you said that we’re too stubborn it was a lie to yourself as much as it was to me. A feeble attempt to set us free. 
Free from this nightmare blend of whispers in the night that never reach the other’s ears.
And that’s assumming that while I’m whispering, somewhere you are too. That while your laugh and drink your wine, someplace in your head, you’re thinking of:

Sitting on a couch with my head in your lap as we read our favorite passages of books out loud to one another while music plays in the background.

Walking in the sunshine with smiles so big our faces hurt and it only gets worse when we look at eachother and ask, “what?” Like we’ve been caught doing something wrong. Like just looking at the other should have been forbidden.

And maybe it should be.

Because it’s late.
And I’m late.
My words are late and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I have to be sorry.
And I’m sorry that I still love you.
I love you, and sorry doesn’t cut it.
I love you can’t change a thing.

But I need to say it because I feel the weight of it crushing my chest and holding me by the throat in every waking moment. And when I finally go to sleep, all I see is what could have, should have and it taunts me.

So I love you. 
Even though it doesn’t mean a thing to you.

Or maybe that’s a lie I tell myself because I’m scared that you weren’t lying.

I used to believe...

I used to believe in love. How love could conquer all things, but as I have weathered and grown cynical in failure and disappointment, I have come to understand that love is just a feeling. A name for a feeling, an ideal that we assign to a foolish fairytale. An ideal we believe in when reality is too painful to live on, and hope grows scant.

I have seen love come and go. I have loved and lost, and loved again, yet I wander broken, unfulfilled.

I stopped living today. I stopped caring enough to love today. I don’t want to live life with the limitation that have been imposed upon my body. How much pain and heartbreak is one person suppose to endure before he is broken. How many times can a heart be turned out before cynicism takes root and grows like wild fire consuming even the hardiest of souls?

I guess I really am broken…
I guess I really am lost…

I don’t ask for your pity, I don’t ask for your comments, or attention.

Some things just can’t be fixed.

Untuk seseorang yang tidak mengenalku

Aku kenal kamu, tetapi kamu tidak kenal aku. Aku suka kamu, tapi kamu netral padaku karena kamu tidak kenal aku.

Aku selalu mendengar kabarmu, tapi kamu tidak pernah mendengar kabarku.

Kita tidak pernah bertemu sebelumnya. tetapi aku selalu melihat hidupmu, tapi kamu tidak pernah lakukan itu untukku, karena kamu tidak kenal aku.

katakanlah, aku menyukaimu secara diam-diam tanpa menunjukkannya dihadapanmu.

katakanlah aku menyukaimu secara tertutup tanpa harus membuatmu kenal kepadaku.

bahagianya aku ketika melihat senyum diwajahmu, karena aku mengenalmu.

Bodohnya, aku tidak ingin menghapus perasaan ini begitu saja, agar aku bisa lupa atas bagaimana lukaku selama aku jatuh cinta pada seseorang yang telah lampau yang selalu melukai hatiku.

maka atas alasan itulah, aku menunggu keajaiban Tuhan untuk mempertemukan kita atas senyuman yang banyak, atas engkau akan mengenalku seperti aku mengenalmu, dan mau mengetahui hidupku atas aku mengetahui hidupmu sebelum kamu mengenalku ^^/

Some initial : D——- H——— 

MATA

Aku suka mata itu…

mata yang selalu mencoba berlari, ketika aku berusaha menangkapnya

Aku suka mata itu…

mata yang terlalu sulit untuk aku jangkau dan ditelusuri jauh lebih dalam

Aku suka mata itu…

mata yang selalu tampak teduh ketika pemiliknya sedang berdiam

Aku suka mata itu…

mata yang kau beri bingkai cantik berwarna hitam

Aku suka mata itu…

mata yang tampak tersenyum ketika sang pemilik menyunggingkan bibirnya membentuk bulan sabit 

Teruntuk kamu yang tidak boleh disebut namanya

~Yang Terkasih, Aku (masih) suka Mata mu :)

How I Wish

I wish I am the girl you love,
The one you take chances with.
I wish I am the girl whom you share your worries,
Like you’re the one I seek.

I wish I am the girl whom you tell your happiness,
Like you’re the one I tell mine.
I wish I am the girl you enjoy to be with,
Like you’re the one I am thrilled to see.

I wish I am the girl whom you care for,
Like you’re the one I really care a lot.
I wish I am the girl whom you listen to,
Like you’re the one who can make me listen.

I wish I am the girl whom you cuddle all day,
Like you’re the one I want to hug so long. 
I wish I am the girl whom you want to hold hands with,
Like you’re the one I badly want to hold.

I wish I am the girl whom you want to kiss,
Like you’re the one I dream to kiss goodnight.
I wish I am the girl whom you want to say “I love you”,
Like you’re the one I always want to.

I wish I am the girl you love, 
Like you’re the one for me.
How I wish I can be all these girls,
How I wish you will let me be.

saat aku menangis

aku hampir terbiasa menangis sendirian.

bukan hampir. tapi memang aku sudah terbiasa menangis sendiri.

tidak apa-apa. tidak ada yang salah kan?

aku bisa menyeka air mataku sendiri.

aku bisa kok.

tapi pernah ada hari dimana aku ingin ada yang menemaniku.

entah kenapa waktu itu aku tidak ingin sendiri.

entah kenapa waktu itu aku ingin, paling tidak ada yang memintaku untuk berhenti bersedih.

aku ingin ada yang bilang “jangan menangis, aku ngga suka liat kamu nangis”.

jadi aku memintamu untuk ada.

…

…

…

…

tapi kamu tidak ada.

bahkan saat aku minta kamu tidak ada.

lalu,

aku merasa bodoh.

dan aku, berjanji pada diriku sendiri agar tak perlu meminta-minta lagi.

aku bisa sendiri.

aku bisa kok menangis sendiri.

cuma itu kan yang bisa aku lakukan?

Dear Someone

I honestly thought getting over you would be the hardest thing in the universe. But I was wrong. It hurts bit by bit, but I am getting along. Its easy to fall by the wayside and get crumbled. But I did a simple thing, I dissociated myself with the very thought of you. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. But honestly I deserved some respect for caring for you. To be considered some kind of sissy is downright rude and ridiculous. And if I can respect you and tell you my feelings in private, why couldn’t you do that? Why include a public confession?
I still do respect your lifestyle choices. And many years down the line we will laugh at our immaturities. But frankly, I doubt if you respect mine. I have no regrets or hurts. I liked that I went through this journey.
I know you wonder if I have cried. I have wept like there is no tomorrow. Pillows have seen my emotions and nights have heard my wails. Because honestly there is no greater want that to be wanted by you.
You wonder if I am being distant and evasive. I am being distant. But it kills me all the time.
Sometimes I wish you would understand that I need a hug.

Love
Someone who has begun to walk away

dear DSA

“I love you like I hate you”, did you hear that song? I know that lyrics is crappy, but still. 

They say I am too naive and was never really in love. But why do I cry everyday thinking of you? I know this is very unlike me. I am way too rational to cry for someone who I so little. And yet, I do! What really kills me is knowing the fact that things could have been different. It has been two years and I still spend sleepless nights thinking if you could have met someone else or whether you ever cried for me, or whether you still think of me? Boys don’t cry, do they? 

I know I can never say these things upfront. Not because I am scared of rejection but because I would hate it if you said ‘yes’ as a compromise. I hate people making such sacrifices. That’s not romantic at all. What’s romantic is knowing that you really liked me, pined for me just the way I did, or still do! Did you ever..? 

I wish you’d ask me upfront if you ever liked me. I wish.. 

Love,

You know who!

how you destroyed me

I wanted to tell you how you broke my heart. 

How you destroyed the last spark of happiness I had.

You made me doubt. Doubt my path, who I am and what I want.

You knew it when you’ve met me, that I am weak, that I need to believe that I can, that I am something, that I can feel worth something, anything. You knew it, and you took advantage of it. 

I fell inlove with you, and it wasn’t hard to realized. You smart, you knew that this is what will happen.

You saw I look at you, how I try to please you, how happy I was for having you around. 

You knew that I will break, that I will lose the semi-human form I adapted to myself. 

Of course, you did, you kept of saying that yourself. How I will never have someone like you.

How I don’t deserved you. How I’m going to be single, alone, lost.

When you didn’t really say it, I could have hear it in your voice. 

When you made fun on the fact that all my friends are getting married, of the pressure I’m in.

When I told you how you hurt me, when I cried next to you at night. 

And I’m so angry, but only on myself. 

I knew it will end, but I still let myself starting it, getting in to it so much.

I thought that I am strong enough, ignoring that fact that I’m a lost person. 

A dependent person, that just need someone to tell him that everything is right. 

I need you so much, your skin, your smell, your touch.

Your smile when I say something stupid, our conversation, our nights. 

How could you just leave me, stop connected me, forget everything.

You promised you’ll come, you promised you’ll miss me.

If I meant nothing to you, than nothing will hurt you.

Why do we need no contact, when it’s only me that cry all day.

Why won’t you just continue with our game, with mailing, facebooking. 

The cost for you is nothing, for me it means life.

You were the best thing I had, the only time I was complete and happy. 

Having you wanting me helped me love myself. 

Why can’t you just give it to me, until it will naturally fade out?

And you promised. You promised.

And like anything else it was just a lie. 

Once again, I got a proof of how pointless my life. 

Disturbed girl who love you, but mainly hate herself

I wish.

Dear D,

I wish that we were just friends from the beginning.

I wish that you can open your heart to me so that I can be there for you, when you need someone to lean on to.

I wish I could stare at you long enough to know the colour of your eyes, hold you tight enough to feel your heartbeat that makes you cry.

I wish that you’ll laugh and smile all the time.

I wish that I can make you happy, whatever it takes.

I wish I’m that somebody in your life.

But heck,

I wish that I wouldn’t have to wish for you.

I wish that I would not fall for feelings that I have for you.

I wish that I’m strong, tough like when you’re not with me when I need you.

I wish that I’m not worried when I heard that something happened to you.

I wish that you’re no one to me, like I am no one to you.

I have missed you for as long as I knew..

You. It has always been you.

Without reasons.

May it be now, years ago, and the future to come, it’s just because of you.

Sometimes,

I wish that we never happened, so I don’t have to suffer like this ever since we’ve meet.

But I wish that you had the time of your life when we were together, because I know that every single time I see you, you’ve been the sunshine of my world.

Where did I go right to have you with me.

I wish that I know the answers.

I wish that I could let you go.

Instead, I wish that you were here.

I can’t help but to say goodbye,
and wait for you to give me your heart,so that I can love you the best that I can.

or else,
you can just, please.. just give me back mine.

you know who you are

I’ll avoid the word ‘sorry’ as as you said I over used it, even though it was from the heart each and every time  Instead I’ll just put across how I actually feel for once, something you didn’t think I did often enough….

So, nearly two years down the road now; it’s still here, you’re still here.

I thought by now it would be gone; that sinking feeling, that heavy, crushing feeling. It can be sparked by anything; a song, a picture, a faint resemblance in a crowd, a park bench and for some reason most commonly; on a bus. I can’t even hide in my own room, it attacks anywhere and at anytime… that dark, heavy, crushing feeling.

As I write this letter I’m the opposite side of the world; this is madness how can I ever escape this overwhelming sadness, apparently not through distance that’s for sure.

As I said, it’s still there; lingering, lurking, smirking.

Is it still love that’s got me trapped? or is it guilt, regret, longing, loneliness  I’m pretty sure it’s one of those ‘all of the above answers’. Whatever it is it manifests itself as an image, a sound, a smell, a touch, a taste of you.

I know you don’t get it but I really did what I did to protect you; to keep you away from me and the pain I caused. Not the everyday me but that selfish prick I have somewhere inside with no regard for anyone or anything that likes to rear his ugly head when I’ve had too much to drink. Fuck that guy.

I hurt you, I hurt you bad and believe me I am still paying for it, I have been ever since I made that choice to drink too much at that stupid party with those stupid work colleagues that weren’t even really my friends. I know that’s why I drank too much, to overcome my social shyness, I thought it would improve night, not fuck up my life. Ironic aye

You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you, to see you, to touch you but I had it in my head that I had to burn that bridge to keep you safe and away from me, me and my tendency to get blinding drunk and kiss other girls… what’s that saying…once a mistake, twice a habit. I’m not sure if it was self destructive or selfish to end it the way I did but I full heartedly believed it was best for you, I knew it would be hard for both of us but I thought it was one of those ‘greater good’ decisions. I didn’t deserve yet another chance and you certainly didn’t deserve the pain I handed out, breaking up was the only way to secure this, the only way protect you….. Oh yeah apart from quitting drinking…. that says a lot about me; the fact I gave up the best thing in my life because it was easier than not drinking…. a problem or just pathetic? Again ‘all of the above’

You really did mean the world to me. Funny how someone can make you the happiest you’ve ever been but also the saddest, but i guess it was my doingbut still ….it’s you that I miss.

But what can I do? You’re happy; new man, new life. I’m not going to be the creepy ex or even slightly upset your happiness, that would go against my reasons in the first place. No I guess I’ll just wait it out, wait and wait and wait…. but for what? Will this feeling just depart one fine morning? Will I one day just never think of you again Will I be able to listen to drum and bass again and not think about you dancing along or wiggling your finger like you did…… I just don’t know.

What really gets me is we were only together for a short time when compared to many relationships, but it’s the most defining relationship in my life. It feels like we were always together until we split, every moment stuck in my head on repeat, the laughs, the smiles, the dancing the embracing. 

I’ve seen girls since but nothing is right, nothing has even been close so I just go cold pretty quickly…. what’s the point wasting their time and my time if I’m still thinking of you every day? That’s not fair, that’s not right so I guess I’m better off alone until I think I’m fit for a relationship, until I know for certain that I will never make similar mistakes, until I know I can move on.

That said, since we split my confidence has gone, you were what held it up, you were what held me up, made me happy, made me proud, made me positive. You were always there for me, despite my mistakes and you know I was for you too…other than that horrible mess I caused.

Will I ever find that again? …Probably not….Does that mean I am stuck with this constant longing to see you smile, to hold you close, to smell your hair? Well I can’t see it going anywhere…..

Yesterday I cleared all the photos from my phone as I was out of memory. The very first ones taken were of you, remember that sexy red lingerie you bought and that dressing gown I got you for Christmas. You looked incredible, subtle, sexy and innocent all at the same time. I remember the time we spent in that flat like it was yesterday despite it being nearly 2 years now. The smiles, the laughs, the funniness, the weirdness… the pure bliss of doing nothing but it was nothing with you…. Anyway there not on my phone anymore, I probably should have removed them time ago… but I just.. didn’t. Maybe it’s the sign of a new time for me, or maybe those photo spaces will remain empty from now on….

Talking of photos, I realised last week that you have untagged every single one of us together… that really hurt… but what do I expect, you’ve removed me from existence just as it felt I had to you. Fair play… if only you knew.

No matter what, that time we spent together was special to me, even though I tainted it by my mistakes. You think I’m someone else and that it was an act of being happy with you but that was truly me, down to the core.. in love…in bliss…euphoric. Half of me wants to forget, to unburden this weight of guilt and longing, but the other half never wants to let go. I don’t want to erase you from memory, even if I could.

If there was one thing I could change, one moment I could re-live it would be that f***ing party where I kissed that girl, I still don’t even remember it happening which gives such a feeling of WHY!?! But would changing this incident, change the final outcome? Or would it just have prolonged it? Or should I have just told you straight away rather than waiting until the 2nd incident? If you had known then maybe you would have kept me in check and none of this would have ever gone any further… but you shouldn’t of had to.

Either way, I don’t regret telling you, you deserved none of that crap that I put you through and you certainly didn’t deserve being lied to, it ate at me every second of everyday. The guilt, the self loathing. I so much wanted to be that perfect boyfriend for you, to make you happy, to take you places, to show you things, to make your life better than it could be with anyone else. Again… Ironic

I’m not sure what writing this spiel will achieve; unloading? Forgiveness? Self pity? I have no idea but it just felt right putting pen to paper. If you ever saw this you would be surprised as it turns out I can show my emotions, even if I’m not always good at putting it into words and saying them, the feelings are there… it’s just expressing them that I find difficult I guess. Has it helped? F**k knows…..

What is clear is that I miss you, I really f***ing miss you. It kind of feels like you’ve died; you were my best friend, the only person who truly got me. I should have lived with you when you suggested it but I already had the guilt on my shoulder, believe me I would have jumped at it if things were different. I should have married you, I should of had kids with you… you would have made an amazing mum and an amazing wife.

But instead I’m here ‘following my dream’ on the opposite side of the world but all the time wishing I was back home, back with you. I dream about you nearly every night, its crazy, its great and its terrible… either way it’s just dreams I guess.

Anyway, I’ve unloaded a fair bit. I’m pretty sure you’ll never see this… I’m pretty sure you’ll never see me again but I am glad you’re happy, you deserve it. It’s worth the pain to know that your life is better for it, take care.